Treading Water
by Adam Kadmon
Summary: "The word we use for 'she' literally means 'the woman far away.' To us, women will always be on the distant shore." Kaji tries to swim a little closer.


Treading Water

Disclaimer: I do not own Evangelion

* * *

Kaji was thirteen when he first kissed a girl. Everyone called her Yu-chan and he never knew what it was short for. It happened in Jin Yamada's living room during his fourteenth birthday party, behind the bookshelf. Kaji didn't know Jin very well because he didn't care to but their fathers worked together and that forced them into frequent proximity. But his dad paid for the gift, a terrible foreign pop CD, and some cute girls were attending. There were worse ways to kill an afternoon.

Kaji wanted to kiss Hitomi Sakuraba, what thirteen-year-old boy didn't, but her grandmother died the previous Tuesday and her family was in mourning. Kaji thought her grandmother would want her to embrace life and have fun while she could but her parents did not share his sentiment. He so rarely got to see Hitomi outside of a school setting and his teenage eyes found her flawless. She was slim but still possessed the proper curves, her eyes weren't too narrow or too wide, her nose was small and thin, her lips were just full enough to cushion his own. And the girl was already a B-cup. Why God deigned to bless him with such an angel was a wondrous mystery.

But Yu-chan was at the party, he knew she liked him, what thirteen-year-old girl didn't, and he was horny. The action movie they just finished was terrible, as per Jin's tastes, but the female lead showed as much skin as the rating allowed and the implied sex scene with the hero adequately roused his libido. Yu-chan stuck close to him through the film, smart enough to exploit the relevant moments but dumb enough to be exploited. So he kissed her.

It was terrible and it made Kaji hate Jin and Yu-chan and birthday parties. His first kiss stolen by a manipulative opportunist with an ill-fitting dress and bad teeth. The first missed step as he tumbled down the stairs to adulthood, an infinite expanse of crooked steps that stretched out beneath him, disappearing in a hazy faraway time and place. He lived too much life in too little time, forging a counterfeit personality culled from other people's expectations.

He supposed seeing the same defect in her was what drew them together.

* * *

"Are you listening to me?"

Kaji tilted his head and offered a lazy hum as way of declaring, yes, he was listening.

"Then what was I talking about?"

"How your inimitable brilliance is a constant source of joy and inspiration to those around you," he said, "yet it is a burden on you, since no one will ever match your innate superiority."

"I don't know why I even try."

"Life is a mystery," Kaji said. "Who knows why men and women form relationships?" He shrugged with blithe resignation. "The distance between two hearts is not always the same as the distance between two bodies."

"That aloof demeanor is only going to get you into trouble," Asuka huffed.

"It certainly got me into trouble with you."

"Oh please. If I knew what you were really like I never would have bothered."

"And if I pursued you instead?"

She blushed despite her peeved frown and he grinned at the desired reaction.

Their steps issued tinny echoes along the metal catwalk overlooking the ships' main deck. Crewmen scurried about in precise orchestration, each knowing their purpose in keeping them afloat. The majority of activity was maintenance, exercising the tired muscles of a vessel past its prime.

The _Over the Rainbow_ was an aging American supercarrier, the pinnacle of naval technology from before the Impact. It was on loan from the UN Pacific Fleet as flagship for the convoy escorting Asuka and the newly completed Unit-02 to NERV HQ in Japan.

Kaji understood the logic of transporting the Evangelion's equipment by sea but NERV was more than capable of delivering the pilot and Eva itself by jet. It was faster, safer, and far less expensive than commandeering the entire Pacific Fleet, both in terms of money and political capital. Shipping Unit-02 and the Second Children by boat seemed needlessly wasteful. To say nothing of the other special cargo Kaji was bringing to Japan.

He'd look into the reasoning once he assimilated into the main branch. He had dossiers on NERV's upper echelon and already devised how to maneuver the introductions to his benefit. He supposed it was underhanded but a snake didn't look suspicious in a pit of vipers.

He felt a tug at his side.

"I'm hungry," Asuka announced and hugged his arm. "Let's go to the galley."

She still refused to admit she didn't know the ship's layout and Kaji dutifully obliged. He led her off the catwalk and through an open hatch to the ship's clustered interior of narrow passages. Asuka decided on a leisurely pace, passing by various crew with practiced disregard. Kaji did his best to follow her example but after so many years using charismatic masks to purposefully draw attention it was impossible to ignore the crew's disapproval. The fleet was already awash with the best gossip from NERV Germany when they arrived and Kaji's conspicuous nonchalance failed to dissuade the wary.

He understood the disgust and envy, Asuka was very young and very pretty, but it was the looks of indifference that bothered him. The modern world was so thoroughly skewed that a grown man of questionable loyalties with a Lolita mecha pilot hanging off him didn't merit a second glance. Maybe there were too many things to look at these days.

* * *

He watched her sleep. This was the only time her face matched her age. The tension, anger, pride and bitterness took a well-deserved break and paroled her delicate natural beauty. He still didn't know if it was from staying with him or simply being given a respite from the burdens of the waking world. Kaji was okay with either reason.

Through some quiet persuasion he rated officer's quarters, blessed with a private bathroom and a real bed, both he found necessary for the trip for related reasons. The bed was a narrow single wedged in a corner; it was unmercifully stiff and the sheets felt grainy but fatigue and company made it the softest of clouds.

Asuka was nestled between the wall and his side, her tiny hands peeking out from the giant sleeves of the shirt she stole off him, her bare legs coiled possessively around one of his. Her cheek rested on his shoulder, her breath a leisurely tickle across his skin.

He was still surprised how light she was. So much knowledge and skill and drive in such a tiny frame. The German branch's crew likened her to a force of nature; Hurricane Langley, Mount Soryu, or his favorite, simply "The Asuka." But he genuinely liked the way she threw herself completely into a task, how she gave any endeavor her full strength until she triumphed over it. Unit-02's red fit her perfectly; it was a relentlessly powerful color that Kaji imagined made her feel alive. Red made him think of blood, of the sea after the Impact, of the fog that obscured his memories.

No, he amended, not a fog. An unrelenting pillar of light his memories congregated around. His past was a series of poorly defined sunspots dancing on the edges of four blinding wings towering over him.

Those wings were an eternal scar on the face of the planet, commemorating mankind's arrogance and sins. Second Impact and scars were inseparable for him, both emotional and psychological. And of course physical.

_Katsuragi._

He thought it so clearly he was afraid he spoke. He glanced at Asuka, still snuggled against side, still breathing deep and slow. A stray lock of hair curled over her cheek and he resisted the desire to brush it away.

Whether Misato knew it or not she was heading towards the same destination he was. He kept an eye on her since college, from her ascent through military academy to her recent draft into NERV. The girl he played house with a lifetime ago was tenacious and intuitive, and while her academy marks confirmed that, he was curious to see firsthand how she reconciled her desire for vengeance with military discipline.

_Desire and discipline,_ he mused. The two aspects of Misato he remembered most vividly. Her obsession to avenge her father and her desperate longing for a life free of him. Kaji felt he had been able to sift through those conflicting forces and let her touch independence, however transitory and artificial it was. A dream, an escape, an incompatibility. No discipline and momentary desire. They both missed what the other could not provide.

That was the most recent explanation his guilt settled on and he was sure he would revise it again soon. Reuniting with her was a depressing prospect, not just due to his current romantic entanglement but because seeing Misato was a physical reminder of the one time in his life he was genuinely happy. Everything felt so real then, so sharp and intense. Now it was all lost, overpowered by the ugly truths he learned and ugly deeds he committed. That was the most recent explanation his guilt settled on.

_Nothing is perfect except in memory. I know that,_ he thought, looking down at Asuka. _This should make me happy._

One more missed step.

_How can you be happy with me? Why can't you see how much better you could do?_

It was too much effort for just another conquest. The desire, the need to reach her was unbearable. He had to or he'd never be able to give her any support or affection free of the distance their respective positions demanded. If only for a moment he had to see her as a girl and not a pilot.

He knew it was selfish, and knew not caring it was selfish was selfish. He was doing a lot of selfish things. He told himself this wasn't the worst.

His eyes drifted to the bolted case by the wall. Hiding the progenitor of mankind in a tiny naval cabin as his girlfriend slept at his side felt surreal. The key to the last fifteen years and whatever lay ahead freeze-dried in a piece of carry-on luggage.

He wondered if he was Asuka's Second Impact, the larger than life event that tore away the last vestige of her childhood. Retaining her virginity seemed meaningless now; doing everything but the final act wasn't saving her innocence. It wasn't keeping her from the lonely disenchantment of adulthood. The Impact obliterated any sense of time or growth, freezing the world inside an impenetrable vacuum.

Kaji thought of Asuka, of her accomplishments and passion, her angry resolve to attain whatever she wanted. He felt ill.

_The world didn't stop moving after Second Impact. I did. I'm still the same disappointed little boy at that birthday party, unable to look Yu-chan in the eye._

He looked back at Asuka. She slept peacefully. Untroubled and soft and beautiful and young. Kaji wished she could be that way forever.

* * *

The moon looked close enough to touch. Kaji laid on his back staring up into the inky night sky, fingers laced behind his head. A lazy breeze carrying the scent of salt and oil drifted over him. The sea pulsed against the ship's hull with a reassuring regularity. Beside him Asuka gave a contented hum, mirroring his position.

They were on a small receiving platform off a landing deck used primarily for helicopters transporting personnel between ships. On his back with nothing but sky to see Kaji could almost forget where they were and what they were heading to. The tarmac beneath him became less unforgiving, the intermittent clamor of the fleet grew distant and they were on a secluded beach far away from the rest of the world.

It was warm out, flirting with humid, but Asuka insisted they stargaze after dinner and Kaji knew better than to argue. Tomorrow morning Misato, the emissary from NERV Japan, was escorting them to port. She was dragging the Third along for the ride which seemed unnecessarily reckless to Kaji. Asuka was about to face her two greatest rivals, whether or not she knew it.

_Or admits it,_ Kaji thought. He pushed it away. That was a problem for the daylight and it was an eternity until sunrise.

He enjoyed night. It was quieter, calmer; he liked the idea of the world sleeping while he was awake. He wished he had a smoke but Asuka despised the habit, refusing any more ashtray-flavored kisses. He told her he'd need another way to relieve stress and the situation suddenly turned beneficial for both of them.

Next to him Asuka abandoned her inspection of the sky and rolled onto her side against him. She was pleasantly warm, even considering the night's temperature, and he let her see an approving grin. He wasn't sure if she noticed how high her skirt had hiked up, showing him a dangerous amount of leg.

"We probably won't have many times like this in Japan," he told her. "They can be a bit quick to judge."

"I thought you said Japanese men were all perverts."

"Privately. Seeing it in public reminds them of it."

"And the Third's a boy," Asuka groaned. "He'll taint my Unit-02 on principle alone."

Kaji smiled at the sky. The stars were clearer than they had been for days. They were far enough from land to be free of civilization but the eternal lights from the fleet cast a pall over their eyes.

"At least tell me what I'll have to put up with," she said. She held the end of his tie and flicked it back and forth. "I need to mentally prepare myself."

"You're that worried?" That earned him a rap to his side. "So you're interested then?" That earned him a punch. "You're lucky I'm a masochist. Actually, I don't know much about the Third. All I heard is that he's unusual."

"Unusual?" Asuka prompted. He could hear the cringe in her tone.

Kaji liked stringing her along like this, whetting her appetite for information then casually dropping revelations when the whim moved him. He thought of it as a playful way to test the give-and-take of their relationship, a battle of wills without a battle. He was sure she had caught on judging by how affected her reactions tended to be, letting him know who was winning. He decided to keep the advantage a bit longer.

No need to let her know the Third defeated three Angels without any prior training, that he had the highest initial synchronization with an Evangelion and seemed to have an edge on the willingness to commit brutal acts of violence on the battlefield.

He shrugged. "My contact didn't elaborate. Just 'unusual'. Could mean a lot of things."

"God, he's probably an even bigger pervert than the rest of them."

"Or he isn't one at all."

"Or he's gay." Asuka slid her arm over his stomach and pressed herself harder against him. "And he's about to meet such a prime specimen of masculinity. I'm going to have to get a shorter leash."

"My wandering eye only wanders in one direction," Kaji said.

"Looking's fine," she lied, "but I'm the only one allowed to touch you."

For a moment he considered apologizing or promising to abandon his less reputable behavior but knew he wouldn't mean either. Asuka saved him the danger of feeling regret.

"What about the other one? The First?" She spat out the title, offended that someone dared become a pilot before her.

"I heard she's unusual too," Kaji said. He smiled in the dark. "Should I be shortening your leash as well?" He tightened his abs, preparing for the strike against her favorite target.

She rose and swung a leg over him, planting her hands on either side of his face as she straddled him, resting heavily against his crotch. Her hair fell around her, slipping past her shoulders like water to dangle above his face. He smelled strawberries.

"You're the only one I see," she told him. "The rest are all alike to me. No one else is worth looking at."

The night sky wreathed her in a soft halo. Her eyes were clear and bright and tempting. Kaji rose on an elbow, one hand moving to position her face for a kiss. Asuka pulled away.

"Just because you're the only one I see," she said with a smirk, "doesn't mean no one else can see us."

_Yet here you are sitting on my cock,_ Kaji thought sourly. "Tease."

"Idiot."

He stayed on his elbows, dangerously close, and let the battle of wills resume. Asuka casually shifted her weight against him, trying to find a more comfortable seat. Kaji let her win this round.

"Ah, that's truly unfortunate," he announced. He hoisted her by the waist and stood in one motion. "Why didn't you tell me you hurt your ankle?"

"What are you—Hey!"

Kaji slid one hand up her back and the other down behind her knees, lifting her off the ground completely. "We can't have you making it worse, especially with you arriving in Japan tomorrow." He issued a reluctant sigh. "I guess I have no choice but to carry you back to your quarters."

He did his best to ignore how fast her face went from shock to restrained fury. Kaji admired the control she exercised in front of other people and how she adapted to different company. Like an actress facing a perpetually changing audience. The expectations of her family, her teachers, her commanding officers and strangers varied wildly. They all knew she was proud, Kaji couldn't imagine her as anything else, but she way she expressed it was shaped by how they made use of her.

But the act was an act and sometimes Kaji wished it wasn't. When those blue eyes turned on him with a dull flicker of murder behind them he genuinely worried. He truly hoped the Third was not a pervert.

They rounded a bend and the bridge's communications officer froze as he saw them. His lips twitched upward, a nervous grin with a million whispered rumors tugging his face into something inoffensive. Kaji grinned breezily, prodding Asuka's side. She forced a smile.

"I hurt my ankle," she explained behind clenched teeth. "Isn't Kaji just so sweet to rescue this weak, helpless maiden?"

"Oh, I wouldn't go that far," Kaji said, trying not to shiver as she glared up at him. "Just lending a hand. Two, actually."

As part of the fleet that had been forced into serving as little more than an overgrown package delivery service for a big red robot, the officer knew how to pick his battles. Noninterference orders from the top regarding the pilot were very clear and he was definitely not an agent of child welfare services. In the face of NERV using kids as soldiers, possible sexual molestation didn't seem so appalling.

"Carry on, sir," the officer said, snapping up a salute as he moved aside. He kept his eyes on the far wall as they passed by.

Kaji wondered if Misato had the same kind of problem living with the Third. Shinji Ikari, he reminded himself, the Commander's son. He shook his head. These kids would never grow up right.

He carried Asuka to her quarters without further incident, knowing it was not paranoid to think the comm. officer had warned the rest of the crew to clear a path. Asuka stayed tightlipped the rest of the way, arms tightly crossed and eyes squinted dangerously. Kaji did his best not to notice.

He set her down at her door, offering a gracious bow. "Your lodgings, milady."

"What the hell was all that?" Asuka snapped and pointed down the hall. "I don't care if these are just UN grunts, I am a pilot and I will not be treated like some delicate little flower that needs to be protected by some big strong man. And even if I was, hauling me around like that isn't helping all the indecent little rumors we have about us. You might as well just kiss me on the flight deck and prove it to everyone. Are you _trying_ to make everything harder than it has to be? I, we both have enough on our plates without these stupid stunts of yours piling anything else on. I don't know what you're thinking sometimes!"

She blew out an angry puff of breath and stared him down. Kaj decided laughing the situation off might lack the delicacy required to avoid a kick in the balls.

"I wasn't thinking," he said. "I won't have you to myself like this anymore and I felt a bit jealous."

Asuka pursed her lips and glanced away. He watched her anger waver to annoyance.

"I already told you there's no reason for you to be jealous," she said to him. "Just because I'll be busy doesn't… I mean, it isn't like I could ever… love someone else. So don't… you don't have to feel like that. If you look for me you'll find me."

There was something so genuine in how she struggled to reconcile her past idolization with the exasperating reality of his imperfections that made Kaji smile. It forcibly gave him affection, and gratitude, and desire, and a panacea to the rest of the world. He'd miss it.

"Can I find you right now?" he asked, still wearing the smile that felt too real to be his. "Will the maiden allow me to tuck her in?" He knew how angry she was with herself for blushing.

"… fine," she answered with a huff. She turned from him. "Like you said, we won't have many times like this soon. But don't you ever carry me like that again." She opened the door but paused under the threshold. "Just… not when other people are around."

Kaji knew he'd never get the opportunity to again.

* * *

End

Author notes: thanks to evageeks' wiki for giving my throwaway paragraph about the _Over the Rainbow_ a whiff of credibility.

This pairing seems so rare. On a related note, that review button down there is how you can yell at me for promoting statutory rape.

OMAKE

Reread the story and replace Kaji with Misato and Asuka with Shinji. Is it less offensive now?


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